Remember our friend Sadie, of "Firecracker Chocolate Cake" fame? She was Claxton's finest specimen, a hilarious little old lady with a heart of gold and a mind of mixed metaphors. Well, I have another tale for you.
In 2000, the last time the United States government took a census of the population, I was living in Jacksonville, Florida, not far from my grandmother. Sadie lived across the street and over one. My husband worked out of town a lot, and I spent a lot of time at my grandmother's house. We both needed the company, so we were a good pair.
*****
One afternoon, Sadie came wandering in with Clem in tow. "Elner," she said. "Is Jenafa here?"
"Well hello to you, too, priss."
"Sorry...hi Elner. Is Jenafa here?"
"No. Why?"
My grandmother wasn't really mean, but she could be quite blunt, and she had little patience for Sadie most days, although the two were close friends and neighbors and had been for a long time.
"I got some papers in the mail and it says my cooperation is required by law. Problem is, I can't read the rest."
"Hold on. Let me see that," Nanny replied, snatching the envelope from Sadie's hands. "Lordhavemercy, you've gotten the long form. Lisa, call Jenafa and tell her to come over here." (Never mind that my aunt, JENNIFER, had a job and a young daughter and a house of her own 10 minutes away.)
******
"Aunt Jen, hey."
"Hey Lulu, what's up?" (Sorry for the nicknames and mispronounciations that abound in this story....just trying to keep it real.)
"Sadie's here and she's got the long form of the census. Nan wants you to come over here and help."
"Oh Lordy. All right. Tell them I'll be over there in a little bit."
******
[20 minutes later, the two biddies are poring over the forms with their glasses perched on the ends of their noses. I've offered to help but have been deemed "not old enough," despite the fact that I'm married and hold down a full-time editing and fact-checking, so I'm standing back to observe the show.]
"Oh THANK GAWD she's hea!"
Jen walks in, puts her bag down, and surveys the scene.
"Okay," she says. "Sadie, this is the census."
"Why does it take 12 pages for me to tell them it's just me and Clem living at the house?"
"Well, you got the long form, so they want to find out a little more about you."
"Why? There's not much to tell. I wake up, walk Clem, check on my yard. I might do some baking or cooking. I watch my stories. I help at church on Thursdays and I get my hair done on Friday afternoons. Sometimes I go to the garden club meetings, but that's only on the second Monday of every month. That's about it."
Jen asks me to fix her a diet coke and bring her a couple of Advil. I oblige. She sits down and props her feet up.
"Sadie," she says. "Let's pretend I'm a reporter interviewing you. I'll ask some questions and you just tell me the answers. Then I'll fill out the form."
"Okay. Can I call you Orpah? I just love her!"
"Sure."
******
[A few examples of questions and answers]
Sadie, do you speak a language other than English at home?
Well, Orpah, I can usually speak Gullah for a few weeks after I've been to Charleston. Wanna hear?
That's okay. Maybe another time. Next question!
Do you have any of the following conditions: blindness, deafness, or a severe vision or hearing impairment?
What?
Because of a physical, mental, or emotional condition lasting six months or more, do you have any difficulty in doing any of the following activities?
Learning, remembering, concentrating?
I'm sorry...what? There's the cutest little squirrel outside. Or maybe it's a cat. I can't tell. Look over there! Can you see it?
Was this person under 15 years of age as of April 1, 2000?
Under 50? Why do they need to know that? A lady never reveals her age. [I believe she was about 84 at the time.]
When did this person last work, even if only for a few days?
I work every day. I work in my yard. I work at the church. I work on keeping my house clean. I work on being a good Christian woman.
[This went on for a while.]
*****
Then they got to the multiple pages of questions about income, living expenses, dividends, pensions, and interest.
*****
"Ed always took care of that."
Nan piped in. "Sadie, Ed's been dead for 8 years! Who's been paying your bills?!"
"My brother up in Claxton. His name's Ed, too. I guess you'll have to call him for the answers to those questions. See you later, Orpah. Thanks for your help. Let me know when the show will be on tv so I can set the tape." She picked up her macrame purse, said "C'mon, Clem," and wandered home.
(c) 2010 Lisa Kuebler
*Originally published on Open.Salon.com, March 2010.
Census questions taken from: http://www.census.gov/dmd/www/pdf/d-61b.pdf
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